Mother, wife and career woman does disappearing act

Rose does this trick where she disappears. She’ll do it while standing in the subway on her way to work. She’ll do it as she sits in her living room, watching her children doing their Hawaiian hula dance in those faux grass skirts she bought them from Toys R Us. She’ll do it when her husband puts his thing in her.

This is how she does it.

 

Think of nothing.

On subway: Let eyes glaze over like marbles. Let lips part and jaws hang. Notice the advertisements for adult education courses, hair loss treatments, and allergy medication planted near the ceiling of the carriage, just above the heads of the passengers. Stare at the shoes of some hipster kid with headphones on. Focus on the laces. Twiddle with the tassels on the leather satchel strapped across body.

With children: Let eyes glaze over, but not like marbles. A wobbly, Jello-like gaze is best. Raise eyebrows a little. Smile. Hear the rustling of the grass skirts rise above their whiney voices. Blow kisses. Clap. Raise eyebrows higher, and smile wider.

While husband does the deed: Close eyes, shift hips to the left to ameliorate uncomfortable vaginal dryness. Breathe in, breathe out. Let eyes roll back a little in their sockets. Silently chant “get wet, get wet, get wet”. Make noises that are not dissimilar to the sounds made when one is constipated.

Or, think of everything.

On subway: Is there time for a pedicure this afternoon? Silent-sing “Sexy Back”, keep repeating, “them motherfuckers don’t know how to act”.

Make a mental list of things that need to be done today.

1)   Send report to marketing

2)   Submit claims to finance

3)   Speak with boss about raise

4)   Laundry, always laundry

5)   Buy kiwis

6)   Buy flaxseed

7)   Make reservation at Fatty Crab for dinner next Friday

8)   Call mom to tell her how happy you are, how wonderful your life is, how much you love your husband, and how much the kids miss her

9)   Call Lucy for a coffee date, because she called you the last two times, so it’s your turn now, otherwise she’ll think you’re a lousy friend

10) Pick son up from school. Be sure to arrive after two o’clock so you don’t encounter the bitchy math teacher who tells you she thinks your son might have ADHD. He’s just energetic for god’s sake, stupid cow!

11) Pick up batteries for husband

With children: Will the little one be easy when she grows up? Look at how she moves those hips, at her age. Not that easy is bad. These days, a girl is pretty much useless if she’s not just a little bit easy. But not too easy. Remember the honeymoon in Rome? That feels like a lifetime ago. Rome was really nice wasn’t it? Remember the Gidget movies. Didn’t Gidget go to Rome in one of them? Why did they have to use three actresses? Couldn’t they have just stuck with Sandra Dee; she was the best. Should the kids be made to do their homework, or should they be allowed to play all day? Don’t forget the laundry. Feeling sleepy. Coffee. With or without chocolate cake? Chocolate cake would mean a Zumba class tomorrow evening. No chocolate cake.

While husband does the deed: What happened here? Honey bunny. Sweet pea. When was the last orgasm? Rome? No, there must have been a few more times after that. He smells nice. Hint of garlic, but still nice, like a buttered bun. This is so boring. Hurry up and finish already. Brad Pitt. Megan Fox naked. Eeew, that’s not right. Bring it back to Brad. But that’s cheating right? And Angelina Jolie’s face keeps coming up. Drop it. Just think of faceless penises and breasts. Move hips back and forth, make noises, aah, aah, oh, oh, eeemmm, eeemmm. Laundry. Have to take clothes out of the machine and hang them to dry right after this. Can’t let them sit too long in the machine, or that sickening damp smell will linger.

Copyright® Michele Koh Morollo 2015